Ok, so now I'm pretty much using Youtube for blogging purposes.

www.youtube.com/user/emodick

Add me or something.

=)

Stood up much..?

=[

Bang, Bang!
Shoot 'em up yeaaa.

Right, so we've moved in to our new house now in Headingly!
It's pretty suave, although drama tends to ensue nightly.
Not as fun as I had first anticipated.
Nevermind, right?

Want to see some photographs?
Sure you do!

( Pictures! )

So yes.. I will do a full update later.

I am going to listen to The Maple State and play Mortal Kombat now.

I am so happy I fixed the interweb.

Massive update lark.

So basically Glen was a complete cunt.
And I mean total and utter ass-monkey.
He totally led me on, cut it off, led me on, and then cut it off AGAIN.
I could have dealt with one cut off, but not two, soz.

Anywhore, I was quite upset about that and had a day off of work because of it, but they seem to have forgotten about that, and I'm not going to say anything about it!

So.. even though it's not been long since cunt-boy, I do suddenly have a boyfriend!



Seriously. He is actually amazing.
I have totally fallen for him in every way.

He came over this weekend, and something just clicked.
We got along amaaazingly, and had the best time ever just watching shitty kids TV / Animal Planet / Discovery.
It was great!

And he likes Pokémon and Digimon.
We talk on the phone for hours and hours.
I'm SO Happy, it's great.

Seeing him again on Saturday.

But before that it's paaayyyydaaayyy on Friday!
YUS.
I have NO MONEY.
Like seriously NOTHING.
This is not god.
At all.

My laptop has died again, and is going off to be repaired again today, so I'll be without that for x amount of time again.
It's pissing me off now.
It's blates not going to be back til well after Christmas now.
So I have to sit on the unit's computer downstairs.. which is NOT fun.

I miss everybody.
Boo!
Someone come play on Friday?
xo

Friend's only.
Blates.

So basically this week has consisted of not very much.

Monday I went to work on an early shift, and then fell asleep at 9pm, my throat was totally killing.
I woke up on Tuesday and felt even worse, luckily I was off work, so didn't have to go speak to customers.
I ended up going out, despite being very unwell, and went to the Dry Dock with Emma, Jonny, Tom Holt, Bee, etc, the normal crew really, and had a couple of drinks.

I left to see Squee at about 9pm, and we had right nice chat about life, and then I legged it back to the Dock, and we all got the bus home, thank god. I couldn't have hacked Cockpit.

Wednesday I went to Dock AGAIN with Emma, and we ordered food, which never arrived, so they gave us free drinks, which we were very appreciative of. Ended up just going home after freezing.

Thursday I had my ears syringed. That was interesting, but I can hear now which is lovely.

Yesterday I got drunk. Far too drunk. I am very much against downing drinks now-a-days.

I think I quite like a new boy.
Wonder if something might finally be working out for me?

In other news at the moment the best things about life include:

- Heroes.
- Ludacris&Kanye West.
- Warcraft.
- Animal Planet.

Fuck yea.

Isn't the fact that I obviously still have feelings for him...
But how smug he is knowing the same is not true for him.

Why can't I just recover already?
It has been more than long enough to just get over him.
All we did was argue about everything at the end of it.

For some reason I have this really distinct memory where I woke up at his house and we cuddled, and I went downstairs to make coffee, got us both one, and we cuddled some more. We spent the rest of the afternoon on serebii.net and playing Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire. I think that was one of the best days I've ever had.

Hah.. I decided it would be an interesting idea to use the smoothy maker, and after putting all kinds of rediculous ingredients in it, ended up with something resembling vomit in both texture and color.

We watched some shitty TV and made out, and layed together on the couch, and I wish I could just feel that way one more time for someone, I mean I will be honest, I feel no where near the same about him as I did then.. I wish I did, that feeling was amazing, and I finally felt.. safe.

Is it built into our genetics?
The craving to fall in love?

The natural craving, the craving to "reproduce" where in our case is obviously just to orgasm, is built in, that much is true, however is the will to love, or even the ability to love lost to some people because they are overwhelmed by that instinct?

Last year I tried numerous ways to make myself fall in love with someone, but the forced attempts were all in vain. I tried a relationship that was "no strings attached" and that made me feel like a cold and empty shell.

How come some people are so full of love to give that it can literally hurt.. and some people seem so hollow they may as well not even exist?

Do you ever lay in bed in the dark, and all you can help to think is "What if?"

I wonder what would have happened if I would have just done my projects at school in America.
I would have been allowed to goto City, which would mean I would probably still be over there.
It would probably also mean I wouldn't be working in a meaningless dead-end job with virtually no future.

I'm sorting it.
I'm saving.
I'm moving away and getting a fresh start.
July 2009, I'm gone.

Well, it has been a rather long time since I last jabbered on in this.

I suppose quite a lot has happened really.
I've moved back in with the units [which is going better than I had first thought.]
Reasons for this include the following:

I get food bought for me.

I get my laundry done for me.

OCCASIONALLY I will get a meal made.

I now have Sky + in my room. [which I pay for.]

Uber-good wireless interweb. [again, I pay for half.]

I get to see my cat again.

I have two new lizards!

( Lizard Pictures! )

In other news, I can't hear out of my left ear and it's driving me crazy.
Well, I can HEAR, just not much.
I got ear drops and put them in both ears, as a pre-caution, and it blocked my right ear as well, which popped, thank god, and now I can hear again.
But I've been suffering from vertigo, and it's all abit shit.
Give me sympathy?

Anyway, it's 6:45 AM and I shouldn't be awake, so I think I'm going to bed down again.

I really am scared about moving back home.. I'm so used to my independence, and I feel as though it's all going to be ripped away from me when I move back in, and that my relationship with my parent's will deteriorate...

On the plus side, I will have loads of extra money... although I think I'm going to open up a savings account to save up money for Cali. I seriously can't wait to move over there, it's going to be fucking amazing. I miss the sun, I love it when it's warm and you go into the air conditioning, and I love the fact that you can go and have a coffee at like 11pm.

God, I can't wait.

Ok, the flight here was pretty suave... like TVs in the back of our seats and tons of movies and video games to choose from to play on, and we arrived 15 mins early to Chicago!

BUT we got on this actual DEATH train.. it was horrible.
This crack head was like to Emma, "You are BEAUTIFUL."
He, sadly, was not.

We got to GR at like midnight, and Emma and I had been up for a total of 24 hours.
Then we sat at my grandparents house and didn't do very much.
On Sunday we went to my uncle Joe and Aunt Michelle's and we saw the new dog and had a BBQ, and it was awesome, the kids totally LOVED us.

On Monday we went to Meijer about 2873089271 times and got food, and then went to Wal-mart, and I bought a digi-cam [see pics in the cut below] for cheaaap.

We then met up with Heather and her husband who seems pretty awesome, went to the zoo, and we got abit tipsy at their house after, except Emma who was fuccccccked, it was hilarious, she'd somehow drunk 2/3 a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka, and I'd only had four bottles of beer! [although we did have a shot of goldshlager each...]

Today we just sat around and played in the sprinkler because it was THAT hot.
I'm not even kidding.
Like 93 degrees outside.
I've got a tan already!
Yessssss.
Anywhore, I'm hurling some pics here, but I'm not doing captions cause I'm too fuckin tired!
Enjoy!

( Michigan Pics Part One! )

Friday was... ok I suppose.
I got hydroplaned twice at like 10 when I walked home to get changed... then when I eventually woke up on Saturday morning, I was sick at least 4 times, which was wonderful, and I layed in bed CONVINCED that I was going to die.

Now because I'm stupid, I left my laptop at work, so when I felt better, I walked to work to pick it up, bought Hotel Dusk for DS, got a Subway, then walked home. Then whilst walking over the bridge near Joes Well, talking to Emma on the phone, I got mugged.

Yes mugged. One guy came up and grabbed my hand, squeezed really hard, and I battled with him for about 10 seconds, then another guy came and punched me in the head, so I let go of the phone. Woop. I called the police when I got home, and this was all at about 4:30... police said they'd be an hour.. got here at 10pm! I was taken back to Holbeck Police Station, and questioned, and it was mental, I didn't get home til 12:30am... It was just a nightmare. I need to call my insurance company today and get sent off for a new phone!

Yesterday Emma came round and we watced films, and now it's 7:30, and god knows why I'm awake, but I am FREEEZZING. Not 'appy. Off back to work today. Woop.

Ok, so I have an interview for a job at 11 for a job that I really, REALLY want, and I have done my best to make myself look as presentable as possible, [took my lip ring out, hurled some glasses, a dead good shirt and tie, and blazer on,] and now I am just SCARED. I am being interviewed by two really high up people in the company and basically if I get this job I get to work with vitamins and medicines and it will be great as I will get out of customer relations, which I actually despise.

So I have this whole thing, from 11-11:30, and then I don't actually start work until 2, so I am going to go home for an hour or so and ponder on how I did. I will probably update this and let you all know what actually went on.

Stupid stomach butterflies.

Soz never actually happy.
I'm totally sick of it.

I feel as though this year is a total waste.
Although some healing has occured with my friendships and my life is going quite well, I'm really not sure where it is actually going.
What happened to all of my goals?
They all seemed so acheiveable when I was younger, you know, just breeze through life, goto college, become a vet, get married, have kids and gow old with the one you love.

All of these goals have been destroyed completely or postponed due to my lack of commitment/effort.

I didn't work anywhere near as hard as I could have at school... I could have done so much more than I did, I was predicted grades that know I could have achieved, I know that biology was horrible, but I could have made the effort, I could have put my head down, and worked as hard as I knew how, but I just threw everything away, and now that I'm almost 20, I don't know if I'll be able to go through that again...

And as for getting married, Jesus Christ, who saw it coming when I was 5 that I would like boys? NOT ME. Not my family, no one. There were no signs. God knows I still haven't admitted it to myself, and sometimes I consider myself a monster, inhuman, an error, because I have no place in the community I want to belong to because I just don't belong...

That could be where the problem stems from, when I finally realized what it was to have friends eventually, when I was 12, I decided I would do everything that I possibly could in order to gain and maintain freindships, and to no longer be seen as "the freak with the British accent" or "fucking gay American" because of this fucking disease I feel like I'm always alone, because no one gets it, no one knows how I'm feeling, and how badly it hurts... I despireatly want to change, and it physically hurts me that I can't, it brings me to tears, and when people make fun of me because of it, it just makes it hurt even more.

I think the whole reason that I want to be "in a relationship" is because when I was with him I knew that I was accepted completley, that to him I was perfect, to him I was everything, and nothing could change that... And after breaking up over a year ago, I convince myself that I hate him, I find myself thinking about how much I hate him every day, and what it would be like to parade a boyfriend in front of him... someone successful, someone intelligent and handsome... and then I think... fuck.. it's been over a year, and I'm still thinking about him every day... It's been as long as we went out, since we went out, I've grown up, I'm holding down a well-payed job, and living on my own now, and I still think about him every day, and I don't seem to click with anyone else that I meet, and it frustrates me because I realize that I still haven't healed... I still haven't healed...

How do you mend a broken heart?
How do you fix a fragmented spirit?
How do you deconstruct self-deprecation?

I'll find out, and when I do... I'll finally be healed.